It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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