Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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