if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
