I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
