I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
