Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i love accidental penises.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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