Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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