The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
