I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
