WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
