All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
