I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
