If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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