I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize