2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize