So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
