Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
