he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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