my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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