there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
