So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
