Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
