So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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