trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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