so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Let's paint friendship bongs
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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