Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
