Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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