Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
