hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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