Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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