The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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