Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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