im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
