You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
