I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
