He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
