Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
