There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
