my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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