Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize