I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
