I can't watch pbs sober anymore
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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