You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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