I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
