my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
