Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
