just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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