this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
