My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
