omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
