If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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