I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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