Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
