Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize