her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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