Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
