I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
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